Baka no Jutsu
by recodan
Summary: Naruto PWN's everybody.


" Okay." said Naruto, focusing. It had been a while since he had sat down at his desk. Since becoming a genin, taking the chunnin exam, and finding Tsunade he'd had no time for pranking.

And now, that was going to change.

Naruto smirked as he began to jot down ideas. Decorating the monuments was a old standby, but he wanted to mix it up a little. He was considering causing some trouble with his Sexy Technique when a new idea struck him.

If one stupid technique worked so well, why not invent a new one? He smiled as be set to work.

-- THE NEXT MORNING --

" Hey, sensei!" said Naruto, walking to the bridge.

" Naruto, what's wrong with you!" shouted Sakura. " Even sensei beat you here!"

" Sorry." apologized Naruto, ducking her punch. " I invented a new jutsu last night and it knocked me out."

" A new jutsu?" said Sasuke, arching a eyebrow.

" Baka no Jutsu!" shouted Naruto.

"…."

_This can't be good._ thought his teammates in unison.

" Want to see what it does?" asked Naruto, grinning.

" No."

" No."

" Yes."

" Sakura!" shouted Sasuke and Kakashi.

" Sorry!" said Sakura, covering her mouth. " It just slipped out!"

Meanwhile, Inner Sakura laughing evilly.

" Get ready then!" said Naruto, forming a hand seal.

" Pluck all the hair from my beautiful balls!" shouted Sasuke. As Kakashi and Sakura turned to him, mouth's agape, Naruto began to laugh.

" Naruto!" shouted Sasuke murderously. " What the hell-!"

He was cut off as Naruto formed the seal again. Sasuke began to tap dance down the street, shouting angrily. Sakura ran after him to help.

" What does it do?" asked Kakashi, sighing.

" It makes people do something stupid." said Naruto with a giggle.

" So it's a genjutsu?"

" I donno."

_Oh shit._ thought Kakashi, face palming. _The creator of a jutsu is supposed to know how to combat it. If he doesn't know…._

" But I did notice something weird." said Naruto, scratching his chin. " It seems to work better on smart people. I had trouble effecting Kiba, but Shikamaru went streaking thought the Yamanka's flower shop while proposing marriage to Ino's father."

" Don't you dare use that on me." said Kakashi, trying to intimidate Naruto.

" Or what?" laughed Naruto, forming the seal.

" I'm to sexy for my mask!"

Naruto ran off, laughing as Kakashi began a Chippendales routine while singing, a crowd of kunochi assembling in moments.

-- ONE WEEK LATER --

" We have your ramen, my king." said Sasuke though gritted teeth, walking in with the tray of food. Naruto was sitting in the Hokage's chair while Sakura fanned him and Hinata fed him grapes.

Naruto had taken over the Leaf village. The villagers were kept in line by roving gangs of shadow clones, using Sexy Jutsu and Baka no Jutsu to control them. Nobody seemed capable of defeating both techniques. Either the beautiful women (or men) the Sexy Jutsu created got you, or the Baka no Jutsu reduced you to Naruto's level.

" Thanks, Hinata-chan!" said Naruto. The Hyuuga girl, unlike everyone else, had volunteered to be a palace attendant. Naruto, being the boy he was, let power go straight to his head. The Shadow Clone Brigades were already expanding the countries border, tearing their way though the Stone and Lightning countries. He didn't have anything against them….but why not?

" This is good!" said Naruto, digging into the ramen. " Your almost getting good at this!" he said to Sasuke.

" Thank you, my liege." said Sasuke, eye twitching. He still hadn't forgotten when he, under the effect of the jutsu, ha proposed marriage to Sakura.

Sakura was fanning Naruto because he'd promised that whenever he punished Sasuke, he'd make him do that again.

" I have bad news, though." said Sasuke. " We've received word from Jiraiya that the rebels are amassing at the northern border. He think's they might mount a decent resistance this time."

The old pervert's loyalty had been bought with ease. He's Baka no Jutsu'd Tsunade into flashing him.

" Well send the fifth army to crush them. Put the Pervy Sage in command." said Naruto with a insidious giggle. " Hey, butler boy, I got a present for ya."

" What, milord?" said Sasuke, feeling intense fear.

" Bring him in!" said Naruto. The door opened and two clones led Itachi in. He didn't appear to be struggling.

" What?" said Sasuke, aghast.

" Watch!" giggled Naruto. " Baka no Jutsu!"

Itachi threw off his cloak, revealing a tutu. As Sasuke watched, his older brother began to perform a one man rendition of Swan Lake.

" Thank you, my liege." said Sasuke sincerely, bowing to Naruto.

" It get's better. We had to baka him a bunch, so he's broken. That's all he can do." said Naruto. " You can have him if you want."

" He'll go well in the garden by the compost pile." said the now loyal Sasuke, walking Itachi out.

--THE REBEL CAMP--

" This is your last chance!" said the lead Naruto clone. The fifth clone army had caught the rebels in a surprise attack.

" We will not surrender!" shouted Neji. " We will see you-!"

" Baka no Jutsu!"

Neji took out a kunai and began to cut his hair into the shape of a mullet.

" Naruto! You are an unyouthful tyrant!" shouted Lee, lunging towards the nearest clone.

" Sexy Jutsu!"

Lee fell to the ground with a nosebleed as a nude Gai appeared, blowing him a kiss.

" He's too strong!" shouted Tsunade. " We need to retreat!"

" Tsu-chan! Don't leave me!" shouted the ever amorous Jiraiya, emerging from the clones on a throne carried by Sexy Jutsu'd clones.

" Jiraiya, I want to be your love kitten!" shouted Tsunade, covering her mouth as the clone horde began to laugh.

" I knew you would see it my way!" shouted Jiraiya, tears streaming down his face. " All clones, advance!"

--ONE MONTH AFTER B-DAY (Baka Day)--

" Gaara, baby!" said Naruto as his decorative float rolled towards the gate of the village. He had decided it would be his main mode of transportation, and Sasuke had found a way to power it with the eternally pirouetting Itachi.

" Naruto." said Gaara. Kankuro and Temari were standing behind him, on high alert. They had heard how dangerous Gaara's friend had become. " We are here to request you cease invading our country."

" No can do, my Jinchuriki brother." said Naruto with a laugh, rolling over on his couch. " Hey, Hinata, get my trapezius. It's a little tense."

" Yes, Naruto-sama!" said Hinata eagerly. Jyuuken, in turned out, was useful in massages. Neji did a better job, but Naruto noted that Hinata was more eager to touch him. _I should ask her about that._ he thought.

" Why?" asked Gaara. " We are your allies."

" Yeah, but when you guys are added to the Uzamaki empire, I'll control everything. Come on, think of it! World peace! Ooh, nice!" he said, enjoying Hinata's vigorous chakra massage.

" We'd rather die that live under a tyrant like you!" shouted Temari, opening her fan.

" Baka no Jutsu." said Naruto lazily.

" Kankuro! Kiss me!" shouted Gaara, leaping towards his brother. Temari fell to the ground with a nosebleed, twitching as Gaara forcefully made out with the terrified puppet master.

" This is the life, isn't it, Hinata-chan?" said Naruto, relaxing.

" It is, Naruto-sama." said Hinata-chan, blushing as she began to work on the muscles in his lower back.

--ONE YEAR AFTER B-DAY--

" This is our last chance." said Konohamaru, staring up at the Ramenkage's tower.

" We're the only one's that can save the world now." said Moegi. " We can't fail."

" Let's get going. I head a Naruto clone." said Udon, looking out of the alley they were hiding in.

The rebellion had been crushed utterly. The only valid leaders, Tsunade and Orochimaru, were defeated early on and when the Wave country showed it's true colors at the Battle of Five Thousand Farts, all hope was lost for the world.

But three heroes had fought their way into the heart of the Uzamaki empire, aiming for their once friend and teacher, the Ramenkage.

There had been sacrifices. Hundreds were lost aiding them, thousands more punished simply because of proximity. Konohamaru, the leader, was the only one in the world capable of performing the Baka no Jutsu, the most famous and powerful technique of all. Learning it had cost the dignity of a dozen villages, but it gave the world a weapon to fight the Ramenkage.

Unfortunately, it only put Konohamaru on the level of a Naruto clone, so he counlt fight his way though the endless hordes. The only option was to use it on the original.

Security was tight, but they had a lot of practice getting past Naruto. They crept down the hall towards the throne room, listening in.

" I don't care if your chefs are exhausted!" shouted Naruto, berating Orochimaru. " Your country is a primary supplier of ramen! You either get production back on track or you get to make out with Jiraiya again!"

" No!" shouted the snake Sannin, shivering as he bowed. " Please, no! He always uses his tounge!"

" Then-!"

" Baka no Jutsu!" shouted Konohamaru, leaping out of the doorway.

" Heh?" said Naruto, blinking. " What was that?" he asked, looking to the boy.

" I made you do something stupid." said Konohamaru, smirking as the clones grabbed him.

" What?" asked Naruto calmly, dismissing Orochimaru.

" Forget ho to use Baka no Jutsu."

Naruto's eyes bugged as he realized the truth to Konohamau's words.

--THE NEXT DAY--

" All hail the sixth Hokage, Konohamaru!"

Naruto sulked as he watched the crown cheer. The world had thrown off his new world order and was doing it's best to go back to normal. The countries had reformed, Tsunade divorced Jiraiya, and Naruto was sentenced to a life of hard labor, breaking rocks outside of the village.

" I brought you lemonade, Naruto-sama." said Hinata, walking up.

" Thanks." said Naruto, wiping the sweat from his brow. In the heat of the day he had taken off his shirt and was sweaty and covered in grime. " You're the best, Hinata-chan."

" Thank you, Naruto-sama." said Hinata, smiling proudly.

" You don't have to say that anymore, Hinata-chan." sighed Naruto. " I'm not the Ramenkage anymore. I'm just a sweaty guy whose going to spend the rest of his life hitting these rocks."

" Your going to build up some wonderful muscles." said Hinata, giggling.

" I guess your right." said Naruto with a laugh. " So, Hinata-chan, why are you always so nice to me? I did take over the world, you know. Most people are still a little angry about that."

" Well…." said Hinata, biting her lip. " I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that you have a nice butt."

And that is the story of how Naruto learned he possessed a comely posterior.


End file.
